8.10.2011

Everything happens in God's time, not ours.

During my check up last Saturday, my doctor asked why I was not reacting at all when she told me I could already give birth as early as next week. Its not that I was not happy, its just that I couldn't comprehend what I should be feeling at that time. It was a mix of being anxious, worried, excited, to even being scared. It was just a matter of days, and not months anymore.

I know its been almost 9 months of pregnancy, with a bulging belly as proof, but sometimes it still hasn't sunk in. I don't know if I'm just in denial because deep inside, I know its because I'm scared that I might not be a good mom. That I might not be responsible enough. I was just starting to learn how it is to be independent, to be a good wife, to manage the house and the expenses, but now a real life human being will be dependent on me. One mistake can be monumental. I know it might be an exaggeration, but its true. This is not just about shopping for those pretty baby clothes, or making sure I get my baby a Little Mermaid themed-room (just like mine before!), but more than that, its being able to provide all the love, care and protection she needs.

But ready or not, one thing is for sure, I love Ervin and our baby girl so much. And it is the driving force that's making me believe that I can do this. Its the only thing that's making me sane from all the healthy eating I've being doing (and I'm not even going to mention the expenses).

This pregnancy may be a surprise but I have learned to accept, like so many things in life, that we don't get to choose when things should happen in our life. It will always be in God's time. Maybe I don't know it, but maybe God knows that I'm strong enough for her. Maybe mine and Ervin's love is big enough to be shared. But what I do know?

What's about to come is bound to be one of the best times of my Life! :-)

bic walked away at 7:15 PM

3.04.2011

If you asked me a month ago if I was pregnant or not, I would have given you a big fat NO. Even if the signs were all there: throwing up, extreme sleepiness, missed period and most of all, not quite having my flat tummy back. I mean, I do eat a lot, but I may just be bordering to being a glutton. I was in denial maybe because I just got married and really, just trying to adjust being a wife and being separated from my parents. But then I forgot what the real purpose of a honeymoon is.... Yep, I'm pregnant and its a honeymoon baby. Wheeew!

I can't believe I'm going to be a mom na. I was in shock to say the least when I finally confirmed it and was actually 2 months pregnant already. I had to do 2 pregnancy tests (first one was from Generics, baka di reliable hehhe), see an OB and to really believe it, I ordered an ultrasound. I was in tears, not because I did not love my baby, I just did not expect it. But when I saw this super tiny baby in the screen with his heart beating, I don't think I can ever love someone so much instantly. In that moment, everything changed. I just wanted to make sure that i could take care of him, protect him, and make sure that in everything I do, I always think of him first. This means even forcing myself to drink milk everynight. A first in all of my 28 years.

When you see pregnant movie stars, you'd think pregnancy was easy. But its not. I throw up all day, sometimes even without eating anything, I'd still throw up. Even if I had a full 8-9 hours of sleep, I'd still feel like a dead veggie the next morning. I cry even with just the thought of eating papaya. My head pounds but I can't take any aspirin. But thru all these, as I feel my tummy getting bigger as each week passes, I know everything is worth it. I love him, and even if it is hard, I know he'll be the best gift ever for me and Ervin. I don't even care if its a boy or a girl, just as long as he's normal, healthy and happy.

With prayers as well, I just hope I can be the best soon to be mom! <3

bic walked away at 4:44 PM

1.13.2011

Its a new year for a:

- new blog entry
- new name
- new home
- new status
- new office
- new husband. haha <3

but i'm still the same old me :) on second thought, a better me :)

bic walked away at 11:20 PM

11.11.2010

Its been almost a year since I last posted. A lot has happened but I expect more to come. In less than two weeks, am about to celebrate my birthday, and few weeks after that, am going to say bye bye to my beloved family name. In retrospect, I'll actually be saying goodbye to a lot of things.

As crazy as it may sound, my feelings differ from each day. One day I can just be sad by the thought of leaving my family, but on a different day, I can be both scared and nervous on what can happen and what might not happen. Sometimes I feel a sense of happiness and excitement, and not just because I'll be seeing all my loved ones, but the thought that I'll be marrying the guy that I love (yuccckkk. hahah). But lately, I feel STREEESSSSSEEEDDD!!!! I don't know how I can emphasize it more but its true.

Sometimes I wish everything would happen perfectly but in reality, it doesnt. Along the way, there will be mistakes and plans that change. I just got to accept that I have to do the best that I can with what has happened. I have to learn to stop dwelling on what has been done and just focus on what I still can do.

Just breathe...

bic walked away at 1:02 PM

11.29.2009

I'm 'writing' this down so that I can always have the chance to look back at one of my most memorable moments in my life....

I finally said 'Yes' :) Now that I think of it, I still can't believe it. Although it would be the next logical step considering that Ervin and I have been together for four years already, if you knew Ervin, he's hard to read and for the most times, never a planner. Add to the fact that he just bought me a laptop, which is expensive already (baka wala na sa budget ang ring). That's why tonight was something I did not expect at all.

After bringing me back home from our movie marathon date, I settled in already in our living room just happily watching PBB and surfing the net. But to my surprise, Manang Selpha called me that Ervin was there again. It was over an hour already since he left so I thought he must have forgotten something. Nahiya pa ako kasi I was already in my pajamas, in my worst pajamas at that. haha.

But when I looked from our terrace, there he was singing our theme song (according to him, Iba rin kasi yung song if you'll ask me). Awww. He was also with with 3 of his best friends (as back up and instruments). I really thought that this was just an early anniv gift, but to my surprise, when i came down, he was holding his laptop (syempre techie pa din) with the most important question: "Will you marry me?". Meron pang choice na Yes or No. haha. I was supposed to "click" my choice, but I was so overwhelmed that I hid from him. I kept telling him if this was a joke, that I hated him (typical kong "I hate youuuuu!" at ang corny nya. haha

I couldnt believe that this was really happening. But when he found me, and hugged me, I cried from so much happiness and joy. Nasira lang yung moment, nung hindi nya alam which finger he should put the ring on. hehehe. From there, all I could remember was that I kept telling him over and over again if this was a joke, and that I was also crying. Kaya pala ayaw nya nang manood ng 2nd movie because of this. hehe. He kept telling me that he was feeling sick, eh ako naman, panay bili ng dalandan juice for him. hehehe

As I am writing this, I am looking at the ring he gave me, and up to now, I still could not believe it. Now the question is what's next? And suddenly, I become nervous...

bic walked away at 1:01 AM

11.10.2009

Its people like Efren who continues to inspire us. I think I've mentioned a couple of times already how I wanted to become a teacher before. How for a short time, I taught at a public clubhouse for little kids. But now, how, everything seems like a distant memory. Makes me want to go back to school to learn, and then to teach.

Hope there are a lot of Efrens out there, and that I could be one someday.

Labels: Efren Penaflorida

bic walked away at 3:56 PM

Ervin says american music is all about S*X. Although I might agree, there songs are definitely catchy, upbeat, and just puts you in a good mood ;) You just can't help but dance :-)

David Guetta ft Akon - Sexy Chick

Yes I can see her
Cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh shes a diva
I feel the same and I wanna meet her

They say she low down
Its just a rumor and I don't believe em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood girl
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin' I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull her close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Damn girl
Damn you'se a sexy chick
A sexy chick
Damn you'se a sexy chick
Damn girl

bic walked away at 12:24 AM

11.08.2009

When I started working, one of my first major purchases was my Sony Digital Camera (DSC T20). As this is the case, my camera became very special to me. Sony was my choice since back then it was one of those stylish cameras and i could'nt appreciate how great Canon was. I guess I valued the aesthetics more than the functionality. Its been more than 3 years now, and after going with me in several of my travels, and being part of my many adventures in life, unfortunately, its just not the same anymore :-(

Comparing my camera to a friend who betrayed you, I just lost my trust in my camera. I've lost count already of the the times when I failed to capture a special or a priceless moment. Or when I've lost the sincerity in my smile just waiting to see the flash go off from my cam... all because the damn button won't click, or that the next button won't budge.

But as much as I'd want to hate my camera, it has served me well, but realistically, I would need to replace him. December is coming up soon, and I'd be visiting a new country soon. This means a lot of photo ops. Just couldnt risk my camera failing on me again. Bye bye my beloved camera, though it would be exciting to buy a new camera. But the question is what do i do with my old one? :-(

bic walked away at 1:03 AM

11.02.2009

Memorizing and watching all Disney movies when I was young, I knew I'd grew up naive. I thought all love stories were like fairy tales. Boy meets girl, and they'll live happily ever after. But when you get to be in one of those stories, you'll realize that its not easy as how you've read those fairy tales. Prince charming just won't sweep you off your feet, and then just ride into the sunset because truth is, getting to the "End" requires so much more than that.

I've learned that Love does not only require Love alone. It requires patience, understanding, care, being selfless, and in the process, getting hurt. I guess Disney movies never made an emphasis on the problems that Belle or Ariel could have had after they went with their prince charming.

One month from now, it will be four years already with the only boyfriend that I've ever had. Of the guys I've met before, he was the only one I could ever see a future with, and when we made it official (as boyfriend and girlfriend), I though that was it. I never realized that in doing so, that I could get hurt this much, or could so much cry for another person. I never even thought that anger could consume me. But if I had the chance, would I want to erase those parts? Probably not. I don't think I could appreciate what we have right now if it weren't for those. My love story isn't finished yet, and I don't even know how it will end up or even with whom, but I am thankful and appreciative that despite all that has happened, my story is still with him.

Sharing a few stanzas from one of my favorite poems from Pablo Neruda, I do not love you except because I love you

I do not love you except because I love you
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

bic walked away at 11:16 PM

10.29.2009

When (Disney's) UP was shown, I couldn't stop raving about it. I was still crying the following day. I was so into the movie that for almost a month, I was surfing the net for any info about the movie, encouraging everyone to watch it, wishing and hoping Russell was alive (so i could adopt him), watching the UPisodes and downloading them to my phone and well, you get the picture :-) The movie was THAT good. Even thought of stealing a movie poster of UP in Mall of Asia. haha

And now that DVD has come out in other countries, I was able to download a clear copy for me to watch the movie again. And as expected, I cried at the same scenes again, and pretty much cemented the movie's place in my top 10 all time movies. The movie is still heartwarming, and charming.

If only I could lobby this to be an Oscar contender ;) Need to have my UP fix. How come we don't have stores that sell movie posters or movie collectibles?

---
Thanks to my "financier", I have now my laptop. Last time I had one was back in college. Can i still make a profit out of a broken laptop?

Before when I had a laptop, I could post something every two weeks , but when it got broken and work came in, I was lucky if I could even write something in three months. Hopefully, I can now update this diary frequently :-)

Off to searching for anything UP over at Ebay :-)

Labels: Disney, UP

bic walked away at 11:37 PM

8.08.2009

bic walked away at 2:21 AM