9.02.2004

I've got nothing but myself to Blame

Just a word of caution, this entry is long and dramatic. This is me during my rare sad moments..

I know I'm usually happy and cheerful, but this entry has got to be the saddest and hopefully the last that I'll ever write :( I know I'm "mababaw ang kaligayahan" bordering to even being corny but as easy as I could laugh, "mababaw ang luha" ko. Right now, I don't know why my tears won't stop from falling. I desperately want it to stop cause I don't want to feel anymore, but it just won't. Its been awhile since I cried like this. and I hate what I'm feeling. I just want to sleep and wake up to find that everything would be fine again..

Honestly, I was still okay. I was laughing, singing in the thesis room, ate a lot, played NES games, even told jokes. But after saying my goodbyes to Niks, Tuf and Rage from the FX ride, I decided to walk from the entrance of our village to our house. Maybe I just wanted to be alone, to just think. And that's when everything sunk in..

I had finally told my parents. I still have one more term to go. And its breaking my heart to know that instead of scolding me or being angry at me, they showed me, as always, understanding and love despite the dissapointment that I've caused. I know they won't tell it to me but instead, will support me by always showing me and telling me that its okay and that I did my best, but I know it can never change the fact that I failed them.

When I started this term, I knew it would not be easy. I bravely faced the challenge of having an overload of 22 units mostly ST and Math subjects including Thesis. I knew my friends and mostly my groupmates discouraged me from doing so because since there was the all-important thesis and I was the "leader", it would make it even more difficult for me. But I WANTED so badly to get it over and done with, and with my usual optimistic view, I just believed that I could do it. And the thing is, I almost did..if only for that one single subject..

This term seemed to be one of the hardest terms I had to deal with. Not because of just academics, but because of all these feelings that I had to go through. Being Scared, Irritated, Happy, Embarassed, just name it. I mean, we had a thesis that had so many problems and revisions that I comtemplated on dropping it. I had subjects that had the same tests on the same day with just an hour seperating it and Projects that required solo time I did'nt know what to do next. Me, being optimistic, sometimes took a crash. But one thing that made me realize all over again is how blessed I am because of my sisters, my friends, and my parents...

My Sisters whom despite our petty quarrels, have always been there to help me even by just their little ways like bringing me food or letting me use the computer. But most importantly by just listening while I rant, complain..

My Friends who have always been there to support me. Everytime I skip my classes to do thesis, they make it a point to give me notes or to allot their time to just teach me the lessons I've missed. Special mention to Tuf, Au, Co and Ellie. Or by just telling me of how proud they are of me and how much they believed in me. Or even by just making me laugh so I won't think of the pressure and all. Most especially to my thesis grpmates. 3 words: we did it! :) And to my Highschool barkada, who even if I don't see that often, never fails to check up on me and to remind me that they're still there for me.

Just like today, during our dinner at KFC, Rage, Tuf and Niks told me after telling them how miserable I was feeling, that i should be proud of myself because despite being an "overload", i handled our thesis well and just had one failure. What's sweet also was when Niks went to school, she brought me and Tufe, donuts. awww! :) It makes me smile by just remembering it. I don't know how it started but its usually a "tradition" between Rage, Niks and I that when the other two is sad, the other would treat some donuts :)

Also to Kathy, Au and most especially to Ellie. We may not belong to the same cirlce of friends, but the help that they have given me made me survive. Esp. to Ellie, I don't regret making chikka with you all the time ;) To be honest, I have grown to value and be thankful for this friendship

And to my Parents. Despite the dissapointments, NEVER have they changed their faith in me and support. And its killing me knowing how they have given me that unconditional love. I remembered a friend telling me when I confided my dilemma, he told me that "ndi sila magagalit, mahal ka ng magulang mo". As cheesy as it may sound, its true. Right now, my dad just called. I thought he would scold me but instead he's checking up on me if I've already eaten my dinner. And i can't help but cry all over again.

Haaayy. Stop na nga. I sound like someone accepting a Famas award or something. hehe pero serious me ah!

You win some, you lose ONE

I thought I would be proud of myself this term. Miraculously, we passed Thesis. Outside Academics, I was able to meet new friends :) I was almost at the finish line, but sadly, I came up short. I still failed a subject. I'm never the type to have regrets but right now, i'm saying to myself, if only I have done that or if I've done this. But I know its not going to change the fact I failed. Somehow I knew it was coming considering the number of absences that i had because of our thesis, but deep inside, I still felt that maybe just maybe I'll get lucky. And so today, i wore my lucky shirt. But as luck would have it, I got lucky with some other things. hehe Hay naku, ito nanaman po ako. Kaya sometimes my friends won't believe when I'm sad cause even when I'm crying, I still manage to laugh. Nababaliw na ako :P But that's me. I guess, I sometimes hate myself for always looking at the brighter things or by having this "good" mood everytime despite of.

but even though it may seem that as if Jesus did not heed my wish for a mircale, i can never complain because despite this setback, i think I'm living an almost perfect life because I'm always surrounded with good and loving people and a family that loves me super, and as they say, you can't have everything..

Just give me one day to get senti and emotional, but I just bet, knowing myself, after that day, you can hear me laugh from about a mile because of one corny joke. Joke lang! :)

I guess this term, something has got to to give. We may have passed thesis but I still failed a subject. But I've got nothing but myself to blame. One word for this day? BITTERSWEET

bic walked away at 11:27 PM